In class this week we talked a lot about family systems and different trends that statistics show. We read a study about immigrant families from Mexico and the trials that their families go through. I don't think I ever realized that many fathers come over first and work her for a few months to a few years before their families can come.
We talked a lot about how when the father is absence, the dynamics of the family have to change for things to still work. Aunts or uncles will step in, children will take on different roles, and married couples face challenges they never anticipated. When someone in the family system goes missing (i.e. father immigrates for work, or is deployed in military) the rest of the family member's roles must shift to fill in the gap. Also, we talked about what happens when the father is back in the picture. It makes things difficult because he tries to step into his old role, but it causes some problems and conflicts with the rest of the family because their new roles no longer fit as well with his old one.
I am curious to know more about similar situations to this. If anyone has had a family member gone for an extended period of time, I would love to hear what your experience was like. How did the family dynamics change while they were gone, and then what happened when that person came back into the picture?
Thank you for your comments!
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4 comments:
So I think I have a pretty good experience with this. My dad was in the military until I was 10. Right after I turned 8 we moved over to Germany and after 6 months of training he went over the Ukraine to work and help the countries over there. He left for six months leaving an 8, 6, 3 and 1 month old all to my mother. I actually don't think it was that hard on our family, but that is the experience of a child. My dad was very much a part of our family while gone. He called once a week and talked to each of us and we had so many pictures of him around that some times i forgot he wasn't there. My mom is also a very independent woman so I know it was hard on her, but she bore it and very well. We also had a very good support system of other military wives and a very loving ward family. Blessing after blessing came to us. Also, when my dad came home he was slipped right back in as if he was never gone.
My dad traveled a lot for work the whole time I was growing up, and I don't remember anything major from a child's perspective. Since Jamie travels a lot too (especially lately), I try to keep things as smooth as I can around here, though it would be nice to have an extra pair of hands around. Many of those times are during the day, though, when if he had a "regular job" he would be gone anyway. I'm far more independent than most, though.
The rules do shift a bit for the kids depending on if dad is home or not. I'm probably too lenient, so it's probably better he comes home and gets everyone back in line.
Many times I think him being gone is harder on him than us. He feels left out of things going on at home even if I try to keep him involved, but there's only so far that can happen without him here. Harder since he's traveling way more than he should (basically every week), and that's totally abnormal. The poor guy needs a break!
My husband is active duty military. He goes TDY for days or sometimes weeks at a time. In 2009, he deployed to Afghanistan for a year. He went to Iraq for four months a few years before and was stationed in Korea for a year late 2001. Each deployment had its own challenges. This last deployment (to Afghanistan) was the one that affected our children the most.
Our daughters were 11, 7, and 4 when he left. We were living near Savannah, Georgia. We decided that the best thing we could do for the girls (and me!) was to move closer to my family. We moved three weeks after he left. The girls and I rented a condominium a mile from my parents.
My daughters were able to have their grandfather and their uncle to horse around with. I've never been a "playing" mom. I'll grab the Barbies and help with a story in Barbie world, but I don't rough and tumble. :) Having my dad and brother there made up for the "boy" time the girls were missing.
It was difficult for me at night when the girls were sick and I had no one to help. It was especially difficult when one of our girls had a migraine and threw up all over my room and the bathroom. Ugh. I can't even think about it. Mike is the puke cleaner. I had to use positive phrases to keep myself from throwing up while I cleaned. Let's not talk about it.
There was a definite emptiness in our home without my husband around. My dad and brother did all they could to fill that gap, but no one is Daddy. I'm grateful for that year. I have a new respect for single parents. I also appreciate more my husband, my dad, and my brother. (My mom of course, was incredible! But this is about dads.)
Thank you for your comments!
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