The Remarried Family

I really enjoyed learning about how the family system changes with remarriage. It makes a lot more sense now why second marriages have higher rates of divorce than first. When we drew the family system for Joe and Mary up on the board things started making so much sense. I think that being able to see it drawn up on the board like that will help me a lot in dealing with people that get remarried in my own life.

I really liked the steps he gave us for handling discipline as a non biological parent.
1: It takes at least 2 years for "normalcy". This is patterns and traditions within this new family system.
2: Biological parent has to handle the heavy discipline for the first 2 years.
3: The new step parent needs to be a really great uncle or aunt type figure. They support the biological parent's rules and discipline but they don't enforce any of their own.
4: New couple needs to spend a lot of time counseling with each other.

I thought that these steps are really helpful advice. I personally hope to never have to use them within my own life, but I hope to use it to help others.

Active Parenting for Teens

I really enjoyed watching the videos on parenting teens. I am really excited to be a mother some day but I always was afraid of the day I become a mother of teenagers. I felt like this video taught really good principles. I liked the steps for handling conflict. I don't know if I remember them perfectly but I think this is pretty close.

1: Ask nicely.
2: Use an I statement. Explain how your teens action is making you feel.
3: Send a stronger message, but not threatening.
4: Enforce a logical consequence.

If you go through the steps in order then you usually won't have to enforce any consequences. I liked that in class we talked about how wise parents use logical consequences and they also discuss the consequences with their teens. Andrew and I have talked about how we want to figure out consequences with our teens ahead of time.

Another thing we talked about in class was that teens need contact and a sense of belonging. Chores and responsibilities play a big role in this. Wise parents give their children chores and jobs to do within the family.

Money and the Family

I really enjoyed reading through the pamphlet One For the Money by Elder Marvin J. Ashton. There are so many financial principles that can be beneficial to every adult. So many people are a slave to money and debt. It is really devastating that so many families and marriages are destroyed over the lack of financial control.

The principles are
1: Pay an Honest Tithing. Dave Ramsey teaches a similar principle. He teaches that we should be generous with our money and help others around us.
2: Learn to Manage Money Before it Manages You
3: Learn Self-Discipline and Self-Restraint in Money Matters
4: Use a Budget
5: Teach Family Members Early the Importance of Working and Earning
7: Teach Each Family Member to Contribute to the Total Family Welfare
8: Make Education a Continuing Process
9: Work Toward Home Ownership
10: Appropriately Involve Yourself in an Insurance Program
11: Understand the Influence of External Forces on Family Finances and Investments
12: Appropriately Involve Yourself in a Food Storage and Emergency Preparedness Program

I know that many people avoid a budget because they are either scared of their financial situation, or the don't like feeling a lack of freedom in their spending habits. In class a girl shared an analogy with me of a horse and bridle. Finances are like a horse, a budget is like a bridle. If you just hop on a horse with no bridle you will most likely end up somewhere you really didn't want to go. If you and your spouse are both tugging on the bridle in different directions you won't end up anywhere.

If you plan out your goals and create a budget that leads to those goals, you have a greater chance of actually getting there. I know that once my husband and I started really budgeting, we have felt so much freedom and peace of mind. I love logging on to our mint.com account and feeling in control of our finances.

The Council Method

I really like the idea of the council method for married couples and families. This is my third class from Brother Williams and my third time discussing and learning about the council method. I really would love to do this with my husband. The few times we have tried I noticed that the week went a lot smoother. I think my biggest reason for not doing this regularly is that he is such a busy man. I feel bad taking time away from his homework. But I think things would go a lot smoother if we had an opportunity to get on the same page every week.

The council method follows this pattern.

Before the meeting an agenda is made of the topics that will be discussed. This prepares the participants for the meeting.

At the time of the meeting the pattern goes as follows

Expression of love and concern for those in attendance
Prayer
Discussion of items on the agenda
Prayer
Eat a treat!

I really like how this idea is so different than what is commonly taught in books and magazines. The biggest C word for marriage tips next to Communication is Compromise. That is the "key" to a successful marriage. But as I thought about it I realized that compromising and just meeting in the middle means you both give up what you want, neither of you are happy, and it isn't necessarily what is best for your family.

The beautiful thing about the council method is that it is based on consensus. No final decisions are made until all members of the group feel good about it. Each member of the group (either a couple discussion or a family one), takes turns expressing what they feel should be done with the particular item on the agenda. They each take turns and no decision is made until each member feels that the decision is best.

The Family and STRESS!

I think it's safe to say that everyone has gone through some kind of stressful experience or crisis. Whether it be something huge like the death of a loved one, or many tiny little things that just pile up, we've all been there. Something that really helped me to understand the impact a crisis has on a family is the ABCX model.

Actual Event + Behavior + Cognition (how one perceives or thinks about the Actual Event) = eXperience

This helps to explain why two different couples can go through the exact same event of say having a child die and one couple will end in divorce while the other ends up with an even stronger marriage. This also helps to explain how members of the same family can all go through the same Actual Event, but have totally different eXperiences.

I think the most important thing that we can learn from this comes from the B and C of this model. The majority of the time we will have no control over the Actual Event. BUT we do have control over our Behavior and Cognition. One of the most beneficial things we can do in a crisis is to take responsibility. This does NOT mean that you are saying that Actual Event was your fault. Taking responsibility means you are are going to use your agency to choose how you respond. It means you are not going to play the victim card.

I think it is really healthy for members of any family to recognize their agency in any given crisis. I would love to hear feedback on your experiences with the ABCX model!

Affair Proof Your Marriage

I would be willing to bet that the majority of normal married people would prefer their spouse to remain faithful. Many times in life our dialogue goes something like this.
"We'll just have a perfect marriage and neither of us will have an affair. We'll do everything right."
"And how exactly will that work?"
"We'll just do things right!"

Found this picture on google and thought it went well with the topic

And that is about the extent of their plan for affair proofing their marriage. It's not as simple as that. Just saying you will do everything right and perfectly doesn't mean you actually will. It takes conscious effort!

In class this last week we had to read the article, Infidelity: Protecting Our Marriages. We learned about the 4 different types of infidelity. Most often when we think of a spouse having an affair it means that they are having sex with someone other than their spouse. But there are 3 more, different types of infidelity! They are Fantasy, Visual, and Romantic.

The best ways to prevent infidelity are
1: Being on Guard
2: Being Fiercely Loyal

Being on guard consists of building wise walls to clearly define your marriage boundaries, and to protect them.
Wise Walls
• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.
• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. This develops deep levels of intimacy.
• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.
• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage.
• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.
• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a
bed.
• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.
• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.
• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.
• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

The second one is being fiercely loyal. Many couples just assume that if they love each other enough than their relationship is immune to affairs. But it is easy for relationships with others to develop in an inappropriate manner. This section of the article focused a lot on controlling your thoughts and not being alone with a member of the opposite sex. The awkwardness of telling a coworker that you need to drive separately will not hold a candle to the pain that it could cause down the road to you and your spouse. Be fiercely loyal and ALWAYS put your spouse first.

Marriage after that first baby is born.

 In class this week we talked about different scenarios that can happen when you have that first baby.

Scenario 1

 This is a very common scenario that is seen. Marital satisfaction can decrease with the birth of each child, and then increase when each child leaves the home. A lot of divorces happen at the birth of the first or second child.

Scenario 2

 This is probably the most dangerous of all the possibilities.  We see divorces happen after the birth of one of the children, but in this situation you may see divorce happen as the children leave the nest.

Scenario 3

This is the ideal scenario, which is pretty self explanatory. Some ways to have your life be more like scenario 3 are planning ahead. Involve the father in prenatal checkups and experiences. Talk about it being "our" baby. Engage the daddy to be in kicks and other bonding opportunities. Assure your husband that he takes precedence over others during this event. And make sure your words match your actions. Do not make this a mother-daughter event. And don't let things like doulas or midwives interfere with this experience.

Part of planning early is making a game plan for what will happen after the baby is born. Figure out when daddy will help with feedings and diaper changes. Also get creative in ways for the new father to bond with the baby.

Be attentive to your needs to. Make sure you are getting your needs met as best as possible. And both should attentive to the other's needs.

Picking Your Spouse

I decided to write my post on this topic mainly for my two younger sisters. They are 18 and 15 and could probably use some of this information to make wise decisions.

In class this week we focused on three chapters in our book about how we select who we are going to spend the rest of our life with. My teacher gave us this model to help us make wise decisions. The principle is that lever to the left of a category should always be slightly higher. You should always know someone more than you trust, trust them more than you rely on them, rely more than you commit, and be more committed than your level of physical touch.

This model was developed by John Van Epp and you can read more about it in his book How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk. I want to point out that this wasn't created by a Mormon, and it has good value for people of all beliefs.

Whenever one of the categories is moved up higher than the category on its left, bad things can happen. Sure there are strangers that could have a one-night-stand, then end up married and have a successful life together. But that would be the exception, not the rule. Most of us are the rule. If you move up the touch category too high too fast you might end up wasting a lot of your life with someone you wouldn't have ended up with had you gone about things the right way. Physical touch is like super glue and it wouldn't be wise to bind yourself to someone you hardly knew or trusted.

I want to talk about the first category of the R. A. M. Model. To be able to evaluate how much you really know someone there is the know quo.
The Three T's of the Know Quo:
TALK
TIME
TOGETHERNESS

Talk is talking about a wide range of subjects. You could have spent hundreds of hours talking to someone, but if it was only discussing Harry Potter and red velvet cake you really couldn't say you know them that well. It might feel like you do, but you really don't. You need to talk about the little things that you might assume. He may assume she wants to have a lot of children but it would be foolish to wait until 6 months into marriage to ask about it.

Time is the amount of months or weeks you've known someone. John Van Epp has found that anyone can keep up a facade (pretending to be something they're not) for about 3 months. After 3 months we will start to let our guard down and show what we really are.  That's why it isn't a wise thing to make your relationship sexual or to get married before you have known each other at least 3 months. I have heard it is important to know someone for all 4 seasons. He may be really into hunting and you won't know the severity of it until you've gone through that season with him. And she might be an angel in the summer, but a demon in the winter!

I want to emphasis that you cannot speed up Time! People will think that if they have spent 12 hours everyday with someone for two weeks it's as if they have known them for three months. Well they haven't. They've only known them for two weeks. 

The last T is Togetherness. This refers to doing a wide variety of activities in a wide variety of circumstances. This is why just sitting on the couch watching movies every night really doesn't prepare you to marry someone! In marriage you will be facing a wide variety of circumstances. You need to see how your significant other handles getting lost, having a crappy waitress, and being in a crowd of people.

I hope that this post will help you to either make wise decisions in pursuing your lifelong spouse, or in helping you to teach others how to make wise choices. If you have any thoughts or personal experiences with this topic please share below!

An interesting explanation

In class this week we talked a lot about the research on how some people will come to believe that they are a homosexual. I found it really interesting the pattern that researchers and therapists have noticed with these young men. I also really liked learning about why it is so important for a young men to have a solid relationship with their fathers. After learning about the research I feel like I am going to be better prepared as a mother. I do wish that we would have learned more about the pattern that some women will typically go through to decide they are a homosexual. I felt like we focused a lot on men, but not so much on women.

When Fathers Have to Leave

In class this week we talked a lot about family systems and different trends that statistics show. We read a study about immigrant families from Mexico and the trials that their families go through. I don't think I ever realized that many fathers come over first and work her for a few months to a few years before their families can come.

We talked a lot about how when the father is absence, the dynamics of the family have to change for things to still work. Aunts or uncles will step in, children will take on different roles, and married couples face challenges they never anticipated. When someone in the family system goes missing (i.e. father immigrates for work, or is deployed in military) the rest of the family member's roles must shift to fill in the gap. Also, we talked about what happens when the father is back in the picture. It makes things difficult because he tries to step into his old role, but it causes some problems and conflicts with the rest of the family because their new roles no longer fit as well with his old one.

I am curious to know more about similar situations to this. If anyone has had a family member gone for an extended period of time, I would love to hear what your experience was like. How did the family dynamics change while they were gone, and then what happened when that person came back into the picture?

Thank you for your comments!

Family Rules Can Sometimes Clash!

When we first started discussing the topic of family rules, specifically the "unspoken" rules, I didn't think my family really had any. But as I have been thinking more about it, I have come to realize that my family really does have a lot of "rules". It really helped when I started comparing my family to my husband's.

For example, at dinner time, in my husbands family everyone dishes up before the prayer, but in my family you dish up after the prayer. In Andrew's family, it's not really anyone's specific responsibility to ask someone to pray, and you can say no. In my family the pattern of who is responsible for asking someone to pray goes Dad, Enoch, then my husband (depending on who is there). And it's an unspoken rule in my family that you have to say yes. I think I've said no twice in my life and got the death glare from everyone in the family and ended up praying and that's how I learned what the unspoken rule was! I honestly was somewhat surprised the first time I had dinner at my in-laws and someone said no when they were asked to pray. But I've come to realize that in his family it's a rule that you can turn down praying if you want and in mine it's the opposite. It's not that one way is right and the other is wrong, that's just how it is in both of our families.

We spent our first Christmas cruising in Mexico!

I think that you really don't notice your family's rules until you get married and all of those rules clash! For example, our first Christmas I didn't buy any presents for anyone in Andrew's family. No one ever told me who we were assigned to so I just figured that we didn't need to get anyone presents. In my family presents aren't really a big deal. We siblings never buy each other presents for birthdays and we only get the person that we are assigned to a present for Christmas. My mom organizes it and we all draw someone's name from a hat. We also don't really get our parents anything. But in my husbands family it is an unspoken rule that you buy everyone a present for every holiday. It was kind of overwhelming at first because I wasn't used to it! And I think I made some people mad at first because I didn't see why it was such a big deal at the beginning. It is kind of hard to balance out the differences in each of our family's rules.

But now I have learned that there are many different rules in each family. It just takes a while to figure them all out!

I would love to hear about your "unspoken" family rules! Please comment!

Heart Disease Study

For the homework on Wednesday I decided to do a little research on employed mothers and I came across this article on CNN health. I read about a similar (or perhaps the same) study in one of Dr. Laura's books. This particular study was done by the American Heart Association and they found that men who stay home and take care of their children have and 82% higher chance of dying from heart disease than their male counterparts that work outside of the home.

But it is totally opposite for women. In this article it said that women with high-demand jobs have three times greater risk for heart disease than women with lower demand jobs, and in Dr. Laura's book she said the study also compared the working mothers to ones that stayed at home if I remember correctly.

I just find it really interesting that men have higher heart disease when they stay home instead of work, and women are exactly the opposite. 

I know that not everyone can have the "ideal" family that is outlined in The Family Proclamation, but I think that this study supports the idea that men are made to be the providers and protectors, and women are made to be the nurturers.

Introduction

Hi my name is Anastasia and I am from Utah. I married a man from here a year and a half ago. This picture is of us at Lagoon! We love going to movies, dancing, and playing video games together. This is my last semester of college and my husband will be graduating next April. Right now we are pretty focused on getting my husband applied to medical school and hopefully that works out for us!

Want to hear a cool story? I took Marriage Prep from Brother Williams my first semester and he challenged the girls to ask a boy out on a date. There was a cute boy in my FHE family that I didn't know at all but I decided to ask him out anyways and I ended up marrying him 8 months later! So we give credit to Brother Williams!