The Council Method

I really like the idea of the council method for married couples and families. This is my third class from Brother Williams and my third time discussing and learning about the council method. I really would love to do this with my husband. The few times we have tried I noticed that the week went a lot smoother. I think my biggest reason for not doing this regularly is that he is such a busy man. I feel bad taking time away from his homework. But I think things would go a lot smoother if we had an opportunity to get on the same page every week.

The council method follows this pattern.

Before the meeting an agenda is made of the topics that will be discussed. This prepares the participants for the meeting.

At the time of the meeting the pattern goes as follows

Expression of love and concern for those in attendance
Prayer
Discussion of items on the agenda
Prayer
Eat a treat!

I really like how this idea is so different than what is commonly taught in books and magazines. The biggest C word for marriage tips next to Communication is Compromise. That is the "key" to a successful marriage. But as I thought about it I realized that compromising and just meeting in the middle means you both give up what you want, neither of you are happy, and it isn't necessarily what is best for your family.

The beautiful thing about the council method is that it is based on consensus. No final decisions are made until all members of the group feel good about it. Each member of the group (either a couple discussion or a family one), takes turns expressing what they feel should be done with the particular item on the agenda. They each take turns and no decision is made until each member feels that the decision is best.

The Family and STRESS!

I think it's safe to say that everyone has gone through some kind of stressful experience or crisis. Whether it be something huge like the death of a loved one, or many tiny little things that just pile up, we've all been there. Something that really helped me to understand the impact a crisis has on a family is the ABCX model.

Actual Event + Behavior + Cognition (how one perceives or thinks about the Actual Event) = eXperience

This helps to explain why two different couples can go through the exact same event of say having a child die and one couple will end in divorce while the other ends up with an even stronger marriage. This also helps to explain how members of the same family can all go through the same Actual Event, but have totally different eXperiences.

I think the most important thing that we can learn from this comes from the B and C of this model. The majority of the time we will have no control over the Actual Event. BUT we do have control over our Behavior and Cognition. One of the most beneficial things we can do in a crisis is to take responsibility. This does NOT mean that you are saying that Actual Event was your fault. Taking responsibility means you are are going to use your agency to choose how you respond. It means you are not going to play the victim card.

I think it is really healthy for members of any family to recognize their agency in any given crisis. I would love to hear feedback on your experiences with the ABCX model!

Affair Proof Your Marriage

I would be willing to bet that the majority of normal married people would prefer their spouse to remain faithful. Many times in life our dialogue goes something like this.
"We'll just have a perfect marriage and neither of us will have an affair. We'll do everything right."
"And how exactly will that work?"
"We'll just do things right!"

Found this picture on google and thought it went well with the topic

And that is about the extent of their plan for affair proofing their marriage. It's not as simple as that. Just saying you will do everything right and perfectly doesn't mean you actually will. It takes conscious effort!

In class this last week we had to read the article, Infidelity: Protecting Our Marriages. We learned about the 4 different types of infidelity. Most often when we think of a spouse having an affair it means that they are having sex with someone other than their spouse. But there are 3 more, different types of infidelity! They are Fantasy, Visual, and Romantic.

The best ways to prevent infidelity are
1: Being on Guard
2: Being Fiercely Loyal

Being on guard consists of building wise walls to clearly define your marriage boundaries, and to protect them.
Wise Walls
• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.
• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. This develops deep levels of intimacy.
• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.
• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage.
• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.
• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a
bed.
• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.
• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.
• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.
• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

The second one is being fiercely loyal. Many couples just assume that if they love each other enough than their relationship is immune to affairs. But it is easy for relationships with others to develop in an inappropriate manner. This section of the article focused a lot on controlling your thoughts and not being alone with a member of the opposite sex. The awkwardness of telling a coworker that you need to drive separately will not hold a candle to the pain that it could cause down the road to you and your spouse. Be fiercely loyal and ALWAYS put your spouse first.

Marriage after that first baby is born.

 In class this week we talked about different scenarios that can happen when you have that first baby.

Scenario 1

 This is a very common scenario that is seen. Marital satisfaction can decrease with the birth of each child, and then increase when each child leaves the home. A lot of divorces happen at the birth of the first or second child.

Scenario 2

 This is probably the most dangerous of all the possibilities.  We see divorces happen after the birth of one of the children, but in this situation you may see divorce happen as the children leave the nest.

Scenario 3

This is the ideal scenario, which is pretty self explanatory. Some ways to have your life be more like scenario 3 are planning ahead. Involve the father in prenatal checkups and experiences. Talk about it being "our" baby. Engage the daddy to be in kicks and other bonding opportunities. Assure your husband that he takes precedence over others during this event. And make sure your words match your actions. Do not make this a mother-daughter event. And don't let things like doulas or midwives interfere with this experience.

Part of planning early is making a game plan for what will happen after the baby is born. Figure out when daddy will help with feedings and diaper changes. Also get creative in ways for the new father to bond with the baby.

Be attentive to your needs to. Make sure you are getting your needs met as best as possible. And both should attentive to the other's needs.