Picking Your Spouse

I decided to write my post on this topic mainly for my two younger sisters. They are 18 and 15 and could probably use some of this information to make wise decisions.

In class this week we focused on three chapters in our book about how we select who we are going to spend the rest of our life with. My teacher gave us this model to help us make wise decisions. The principle is that lever to the left of a category should always be slightly higher. You should always know someone more than you trust, trust them more than you rely on them, rely more than you commit, and be more committed than your level of physical touch.

This model was developed by John Van Epp and you can read more about it in his book How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk. I want to point out that this wasn't created by a Mormon, and it has good value for people of all beliefs.

Whenever one of the categories is moved up higher than the category on its left, bad things can happen. Sure there are strangers that could have a one-night-stand, then end up married and have a successful life together. But that would be the exception, not the rule. Most of us are the rule. If you move up the touch category too high too fast you might end up wasting a lot of your life with someone you wouldn't have ended up with had you gone about things the right way. Physical touch is like super glue and it wouldn't be wise to bind yourself to someone you hardly knew or trusted.

I want to talk about the first category of the R. A. M. Model. To be able to evaluate how much you really know someone there is the know quo.
The Three T's of the Know Quo:
TALK
TIME
TOGETHERNESS

Talk is talking about a wide range of subjects. You could have spent hundreds of hours talking to someone, but if it was only discussing Harry Potter and red velvet cake you really couldn't say you know them that well. It might feel like you do, but you really don't. You need to talk about the little things that you might assume. He may assume she wants to have a lot of children but it would be foolish to wait until 6 months into marriage to ask about it.

Time is the amount of months or weeks you've known someone. John Van Epp has found that anyone can keep up a facade (pretending to be something they're not) for about 3 months. After 3 months we will start to let our guard down and show what we really are.  That's why it isn't a wise thing to make your relationship sexual or to get married before you have known each other at least 3 months. I have heard it is important to know someone for all 4 seasons. He may be really into hunting and you won't know the severity of it until you've gone through that season with him. And she might be an angel in the summer, but a demon in the winter!

I want to emphasis that you cannot speed up Time! People will think that if they have spent 12 hours everyday with someone for two weeks it's as if they have known them for three months. Well they haven't. They've only known them for two weeks. 

The last T is Togetherness. This refers to doing a wide variety of activities in a wide variety of circumstances. This is why just sitting on the couch watching movies every night really doesn't prepare you to marry someone! In marriage you will be facing a wide variety of circumstances. You need to see how your significant other handles getting lost, having a crappy waitress, and being in a crowd of people.

I hope that this post will help you to either make wise decisions in pursuing your lifelong spouse, or in helping you to teach others how to make wise choices. If you have any thoughts or personal experiences with this topic please share below!